When You're Scared That Your Marriage Is Going To Fail... Read This
I'm Puerto Rican. I'm a millennial that has college debt. I'm a woman. I was born into a failed relationship. All of this makes me a big ol' statistic. The odds are against me in more ways than one. While I was engaged, all of that truth hit me hard and I was terrified to get married.
The day I found out that my dad was married to another woman and that I was born out of an affair, I was 10.
I remember that day vividly and I recall being traumatized by the news. I began therapy the following week, and nothing was ever the same. My perspective on so much had changed and instead of listening to Disney songs on my iPod like a normal little girl should, I just played sad Chris Brown songs and became very distant with my family and friends. I couldn't believe that my whole family hid that fact from me for so long. I didn't know how to process my emotions well. As a result, I am still trying to deal with them in adulthood.
My dad lived two lives. He had a wife. Then he had my mom. I believe he did love both, just in different ways. His wife was very mother-like and nurturing. My mom was fun and spontaneous. But because of that, my thought process was skewed. I always believed that I must be both of these women seamlessly or my future husband would go after someone else too. I put immense amounts of pressure on myself to be the perfect homemaker, but also to be the fearless, risk taker.
When Ron, my husband, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, I was so excited, but also very sick to my stomach. You should see the photos from that day. They are horrible. I was fake smiling in every photo and you could absolutely tell. We had to redo our engagement shoot because I could barley use any pictures that we took that day. I was torn because I knew that marrying him would give me the chance to change the generational curse that I was born into, but it would also give me the chance to make it stay the same. The possibility of going through all of it again crippled me.
A few weeks after getting engaged, I experienced a panic attack. I didn't know who to look to or learn from. That's when God stepped in and really was the perfect Father. I opened to a random page in my Bible and this is the verse that stuck out to me...
Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the Lord: Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn; look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth. When I called him he was only one man, and I blessed him and made him many. The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
I know, right? Are you freaking out, too? Just reminiscing on being shown that verse in my despair is pumping me up and getting me on fire for God all over again. Let me show you how I interpreted this verse...
Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the Lord: Hey, daughter. You are seeking me and pursuing my ways, and I need you to listen closely.
Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn: Please remember how I saved you. I gifted you your salvation, in the midst of so much sin. Think about where you could have been. Look at the miracle I created out of you!
Look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth: You don't need to look at your birth parents for an example to follow, or anybody else. Open the Word and see the men and women who have gone before you and followed me.
When I called him he was only one man, and I blessed him and made him many: I am taking you out of the generational curse. Follow me, and I will bless you and your children with a strong Christian heritage. You may only be one woman, but that's enough.
The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins. He will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing: I pour out grace for how you're feeling. It's validated. I was there and I watched what you went through. I feel compassion for you. But I am going to make those scars into beauty marks. Where you feel empty, I will fill you all up. Instead of fear, I am going to put joy, worship, and gladness in your heart.
EHEM!!!! Do you see what I mean now?!?!?!
What I need you to know is that God is saying this all to you too!!!
You may have been beaten down emotionally by the relationships around you, but you are not paralyzed because of it. God can and will change the course of your life if you allow Him to. Jesus, He walks with us, and He bares his own wounds. He knows personally what pain feels like. He has walked His own dark valley and felt the curse of sin. He gets it. We have a great Shepard that can relate to us so well. This should bring us such comfort.
Most of our greatest periods of growth come when we decide to face our Goliath and take on something that we are nervous to take on. This is where sanctification can take place. This is the building of your character. This is becoming like Jesus.
Also, if you haven’t already, sitting down for some pre-marriage counseling may help you both to discover where you both are at and where you both want your marriage to look like. Ron and I did it together and it took so much of the pressure that I was putting on myself off. These are two books I would recommend also... Tim Keller, Meaning Of Marriage and Getting Ready For Marriage Workbook.
I have been married for 6 months now and I just need to say that it's been the most raw, life-giving, and beautiful experience ever. It's nothing that I could have ever expected and I am so happy that I made it down that aisle. God is using our marriage for His glory and to shape me into the woman that He wants me to be. It doesn't get better than this.
Trust God. He will come through and bless you beyond your wildest dreams.