This blog post is one I never thought I'd have to write. Maybe I would have, but I would have never thought I'd have a situation to relate it with. As I sit here, typing on my keyboard, I can still feel the little cracks on my heart from the morning I was completely betrayed and backstabbed by a girl that I adored.
There is no worse pain. Thank God my husband was home. I received a text from her, dropped my phone, and wept like a baby. No boyfriend breakup has ever compared, and it was hands down one of the hardest relationship disappointments that I ever had to face. Ron had so many emotions about the situation too- but mostly righteous anger. This started a long, grieving process over a girl that I thought would be in my life forever.
I would venture to guess that most of you have probably experienced or will experience this feeling at some point in your life. A friend that you traveled with, laughed with, cried with, and really did love, just turns her back on you like you were absolutely nothing to her. If you've gone through this, I see your ache, your trust issues, and your fears. I am learning to cope, too. Maybe we can join hands and do it together.
I'm Letting Myself Feel The Loss
Friend breakups stink. Wait, hold on, let's rephrase: they stiiiinnnnnnnkkkkkk. Nothing is worse than losing your best friend. Whether it was during a massive fight or the result of a slow fade...No matter what happened, you're probably desperate for solutions on how to heal, like I was. The first step is to actually let yourself feel the loss.
I don't know if you're anything like me, but I am a crazy obsessive type. If someone doesn't like me or I have a falling out with them, I will text them, call them, message them, etc. But with her, I had to gather up my dignity and let her walk away. I couldn't fight for her friendship any longer, not after how horribly it ended. So do the same: Don't beg them to see your worth. Don't beg for their attention. Treat this like it was a boy who ghosted you. Have enough confidence to stay away, and process this loss with those who love you.
I talked to my counselor about this relationship ending, I've talked to my mentor, I've talked to my family, and my husband- And every single one of them agrees that the situation is extremely unhealthy and all I can do is pray for her and stay away. Knowing that doesn't make me miss her less. It doesn't fix how rejected I feel.
Short Version Of What Happened
Me and this girl met in my city several months ago. She was a Christian. She seemed so nice. And she was trying out the whole blogging thing.
Because I own my own marketing company and grow social media pages for a living, I wanted to give her all my tips/tricks on how to grow her blog! All for free. Because after all, she was becoming one of my best friends and I wanted to see her grow and reach the masses!!!
I let her in on alllllll of it. And was also there for her in some really dark times. She confided a ton to me, and I spent hours texting her, on the phone with her, and comforting her through conversation and hugs in person.
Wanna know what else I did? One week she was extremely sad, so Ron and I decided to give her and her boyfriend tickets to their first Red Sox game... tickets behind home plate...Those are several hundred dollars per ticket. We invested in her and wanted to bless her. I digress, but still... I was all in. I really just wanted her to succeed and live her best life.
Anyway... Fast forward a few months later, she was miserable at her day job, and wanted a job with my company. Again, long story short, I told her I wouldn't be able to consider hiring her until January, the new tax year. I had a whole meeting with my business people, and they told me that's what I had to do. I told her in the most gentle way, and told her to stick it out until January, and we could discuss then.
I don't know if this just got her angry or what, but she announced to me the morning after that she was just going to be starting her own rival social media marketing company.
What. In. The World!!!!
After... I... Already... Taught... Her... Most... Of... Everything... I ... Knew!!!!
So I call her.
Remind her of the good ol' times.
Beg her not to do this to me.
She lives in the same city.
She would be my direct competitor.
Then she told me that I needed to "pray about it" because "it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be".... Then I didn't hear from her for three weeks. The friendship was over.
Then I randomly get a text from her that says "If I knew you would have ended our friendship over this, I just wouldn't have told you and I would have just did it, lol! But anyway... It was nice getting to know you and Ron! Bye"
I didn't even answer her. I just started bawling my eyes out. I didn't know why I deserved this. Didn't she love Jesus? Didn't she see how much time/energy/care I poured out for her?
The whole month of July has been tough. But I learned a lot of valuable lessons through this heartbreak.
I Had To Grow Up
I learned to stop comparing myself:
For the first few days, I watched her grow immensely on IG, using everything I taught her. I saw her posts get over 100 comments, and my blood start to feel like it was actually catching on fire. I was obsessed with watching her every move because I felt like I was forced now to compete with her. She started off with 1,200 followers when she met me and maybe 50-70 likes on each photo. Now her followers/engagement is through the roof. The hours I sat with her and discussed strategy and step by step how to grow... It makes me sick.
But one morning in particular, I was out on the couch, extremely upset... and my husband came next to me and told me I needed to end the comparison and end looking at her once and for all. So I blocked her, and I've never unblocked her.
Blocking her felt so extremely freeing that I started blocking other people that made me super insecure. I realized in that moment that I was always subconsciously comparing myself to other girls. It ended that day.
I couldn't keep entertaining lies that the enemy was trying to put in my head. I chose to believe the truth of God's Word.
I learned to stop giving miles, for someone who would never even give an inch for me:
I love. And I love really hard. I've always took pride in the fact that I have crazy loyalty and that if I begin to develop a bond with someone, I go all out.
I tell them my deep dark secrets. I overshare. I buy them things. I open up my home to them. The list goes on. I needed to realize that not everyone can go as deep as me when it comes to caring. I needed to realize that instead of always approaching people with an open heart and mind, I needed to have some defenses up. By no means am I bitter. But I do need to be smart.
I cannot share my business secrets with anybody I consider a friend. I just wanted her to succeed, but it blew up in my face. I know now that this world isn't as nice as I thought it was. And my business won't survive if I'm not aware of that.
I will still wear my heart on my sleeve and cheer people on- but I also have to begin protecting myself.
I learned to embrace who I am and stop trying to conform:
I was processing with my mentor and asked her why girl friendships were so hard. She asked me if I had friends. I said that I did have a few. I have about 10 really solid, amazing girl friends that love me dearly and that I trust with my whole heart. But none of them are frilly bloggers, that are obsessed with outfits and drinking margaritas, and having people over to watch the Bachelor, and obsessed with small talk. There is nothing wrong with those type of girls, but I realized that the friend I lost was exactly that girl, and those are the girls that I typically have trouble developing a long life friendship with.
All of the long term friends I have now are absolutely beautiful, love to read, have meaningful conversations, and enjoy the things that I enjoy. I tried so hard to conform to her ways, but I couldn't. I just wanted a new Christian friend in Boston that loved blogging that I could help, but I lost myself in the process. She wasn't real. She wasn't raw. And I realized that maybe God is trying to tell me to stop trying to be absolute best friends with people like her. Maybe I'm meant to be with another crowd that gets me and one that accepts me just as I am.
So What Now?
If you are relating to this whole thing, trust me... You have to handle it just like a boyfriend break up. Be the bigger person and cut them out. Work on forgiving them just with Jesus, but don't go back to their toxic ways. Don’t sit there and watch their highlight reel comparing it to what is happening in your life. Take the photos down that you've posted with them, so you quit reminding yourself of what used to be.
If I could give you some pieces of solid advice, it would be this: Pray about this situation like crazy. It's been a long time since I felt Jesus' presence the way I did when I was on my knees desperate for him during this friendship breakup. I kept praying "If I have any fault here, point out my sin and help me change it." I also asked many people in my life if they've seen me do anything wrong in the process. I handled this whole situation with extreme carefulness, because I didn't want to sin against God.
The closer I drew to Him, the more sense I was able to make out of what had happened, and the more I was able to come to terms with her no longer being part of my life. I let go of her and got something way better in return. The worst pain of my life brought me the absolute best thing I could ever have ask for: Growth in my faith, more trust in the Lord, and lessons learned that I wouldn't have been able to learn anywhere else.
As hard as this is as well, I've began praying for her. Lord knows that is the absolute last thing that I want to do, but I've been obedient in doing so. The Lord gets what was happening in her life to make her do what she did, and I hope that she finds peace in her own choices. She probably needs him in that moment just as much as you do—and if there is one way you are going to remember your ex-friend... remember them in prayer.
It would be so easy for me to be callous about this whole thing. About 1,000 of my followers, follow her because I've shared so many things about her in the past when we were friends. It would be so easy to post something mean about who she is, and have everyone unfollow her- but I wouldn't do that. God will fight my battles. I trust Him alone to be my defender.
I've also started investing hard in the people that have been in my life since day one. I started going out to lunch with old pals. I started weekly phone calls with my friends. I started focusing on who God had already placed in my life, rather than trying to find the cool next thing. I highly recommend doing this as well.
Stay busy. I know that this is another piece of boyfriend breakup advice, but it applies just as much when you lose a friend, if not more. I went to the gym in the mornings, I worked even harder at my business, I started traveling. But no matter what I did , I did not let my hands or mind stay idle. After I had allowed myself time to grieve, (I'm still kinda grieving), I made myself stay busy enough that I didn’t really have time to think about it. Do things that you’ve always wanted to do but felt like you never had the time or opportunity.
It'll Get Better
Losing a friend is never easy. Losing the girl you thought would always be there is even harder. But Jesus was there, He saw it all, and He longs to heal our souls from its pain. I hold onto the verse in Romans 8:28. He works all things together for our good- even the hardships. While you will always have those memories that will strike a chord in your heart, I promise you, you will move past this, and you will get over that friend breakup. I'm determined to be better from all of this.
I'd love to hear your story about your friendship break up and see if we can relate in any way! Send me a message/email/DM- I will always answer ASAP!