I Had My First Fight With God- Here Is What I Learned



When I first started walking with God, it was the most magical, whimsical, lovely time of my life.


I witnessed real life miracles, His pursuit over my heart, and what true intimacy with a Father meant. Him and I were close and I allowed no one and nothing to get between us. Every week, God and I had a date. I would dance around to worship music, fall to my knees in prayer, share in the silence with him, and I would meditate on scripture. I would witness to anybody on the street without hesitation. I was radical for the Gospel message and I would always whisper to the Lord, "I'll follow you to the ends of the earth!".

As our relationship progressed, we were still passionately in love. But it was requiring more effort to stay that way. I wasn't in High School anymore. I was now in college with more responsibilities and soon, a boyfriend that would turn into a fiancé. I was on fire, but I had to be intentional in order to keep it that way. Bad things started to happen all around me, and for the first time, I began to ask questions I never had to ask before.


Though painful, I never allowed myself to get angry or bitter at God. If anybody did get angry or mad at God, I would secretly judge them for being so harsh to their creator.

This changed when something happened that shook me right to my core.



Do you have that one thing in your life that you always pray over and over for again? You know... the one thing that you beg God never to take away because you feel like you'd be broken without it?

Ever since I was a little girl, I had this one thing.


I prayed over and over for this thing and told God and the people around me that if it ever changed, I would probably crumble and just die. DIE. I would tell them that and speak that into existence. That's how much power this thing had over me. I would die if God ever touched this part of my life. So I thought...

As years went on, this thing was always on the forefront of my mind.

So God got fed up with me and took away the very thing I prayed would stay.


All of those prayers, petitions, begging... They all meant nothing now. God just did what He wanted.

And for the first time in six years, I got so angry with God.


Not just angry, but infuriated.


I refused to pray, to seek Him, to listen to Christian music, and I refused to go to church. I can get angry even now, just remembering back to that season. But I need to also remember the lessons learned when that season was over.

Let me preface this by saying that this was such a painful season and I absolutely hated getting humbled and disciplined. I felt completely betrayed by God and I tried to run as far as I could... but because I'm truly saved, I could only get so far before the good Lord pulled me back in.


The reason I did go through this was because I needed a wake up call. I kept that one thing as an idol before God and I gave it so much power over me. Now that I've come face to face with the reality of not having that thing any longer, I can truly say that my full hope is in Jesus.

Maybe you're in the midst of this season too. Maybe you'll relate to what I've learned through the process.

1. God is JEALOUS: We often think of jealousy as a sinful thing, but God's jealousy is not like our jealousy. It is fair, just, and good. It's not in regard to the stuff we have, it's in regard to idols. While reading the Bible, you will see that there are various analogies to describe God's relationship with His children and the most important analogy used is marriage. So faithfulness is a must when it comes to us and God. We are made to be content solely in him. He knows that He is the only thing that will ever truly be good for us eternally, so when we turn to other gods to fill us up, He gets rightfully angry.

Imagine giving your life for your worst enemy and then them rolling their eyes at your sacrifice and still sinning? What a slap in the face.

God wants your whole heart and He won't settle for less.

2. God is PERSISTENT: I admire people who are persistent. I always love when people set a goal and actually do everything they can to complete it. Yet, when God tried to display His persistency, I scoffed at Him. He is persistent in making me all that He has called me to be, but sometimes I just want a break. I don't want to be taught lessons all of the time and I don't want to walk through new seasons. Yet, He loves me too much to ever see me sitting in an idle position when I could be growing spiritually.

Philippians 1:6 says "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

He's not going to stop pursuing you.

3. God is a PROVIDER: When I was emptied and heartbroken, I had never felt so lonely in my life. It's one thing to be mad at the world and still have God. But when you're mad at the world and God, it's a place of complete solidarity. Still, God managed to provide for me.

When the Israelites were in the desert for 40 years, God did not give them a bunch of food to make their journey easier. He gave them food each day, in order to have them continually reliant on him.

Even though I fought God consistently, each day He would give me a little bit of hope. Whether a friend would come along and speak something powerful over me, or a song would start playing on the radio, or He'd remind me of His rich promises. He provided hope to me when I didn't deserve it. That made all the difference.

4. God SATISFIES: Even though I've been saved for a bit, I still managed to rely on that "one thing" for fulfillment. I thought if I didn't have it, then it would be better if I just didn't exist.


Yet, God proved to me in a mighty way that He alone can take the desires of my heart and satisfy them. He showed me that everything else in this world will fail you, it's only a matter of time- but He never will. Though we are finite creatures, we were created for eternity. Only the eternal Creator can quench the thirst we all have in our soul.


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© 2020 by Jonni Nicole Parsons