Sometimes I Stay Home Because I Feel Too Ugly To Leave

It's embarrassing to even be typing this.

I get so mad at myself for letting the lies of the enemy trip me up so badly on many occasions.

Have you ever been there? Like if your boyfriend invites you to a get together at his friends house and your stomach drops because there will probably be pretty girls there and you're afraid that you'll stay busy comparing yourself to them instead of having a good time? Or if your friends invite you over but you notice a major break out on your face so you come up with an epic excuse?

Yup. My fear of not meeting the standards of the world have held me back more than I care to admit.

When nights like these come and my flesh wins, I wind up condemning myself for days. Perhaps I could have told somebody about Christ if I had went. Perhaps I could have laughed and had fun. Perhaps I could have made good memories. But instead, I wasted all of that time drowning in self pity and self hatred. I sought my own glory instead of Christ's glory.

Mark 8:34

“Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me” (Mark 8:34).

Deny means to literally forget about your own desires. We are seriously meant to live our lives staring at Jesus and laughing in the face of temptation. If He called us to live that way, it must be possible. Why is it just so dang hard to get to the point where He, alone, is enough?

Insecurity has plagued women for years and it's only getting worse.

I'm convinced that it's only because we have become discontent with the mana that God has given us. We crave a flavor we haven't tasted yet. We think there is more fulfillment than what God could offer. We try to find it in looking perfect or in getting attention, but you and I both know that it leaves us always wanting more anyway.

Listen... God didn't intend for His daughters to suffer so greatly. He has given us all the answers, even to this particular issue. We are to put our hope and confidence in Christ. That's it. We are called to surrender and fight through the noise to hear God's comforting whisper.

In order to start doing this, we need to figure out where our insecurities stem from in the first place.

Dig deep and ask yourself some questions. Did your dad leave your mom for another woman? Did you get severely bullied as a child? Were you severely rejected by people that you trusted? There can be countless reasons as to why we have insecurities. We feel like our worst fears are going to come true. We don't want to feel that way again so we do everything in our power to prevent that from happening.

When I went to Italy for a full summer by myself, I took that time to address all of my deep rooted issues. The book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore was my best friend. I brought it everywhere with me. I would sit on the beach for hours journaling about trauma from my past, praying that I would be healed, and meditating on verses that gave me hope for a great future. I felt fully cured.

Yet, when I got back from my trip, I was letting myself slip back into my old way of thinking.

Why? Because we must be doing those practices on the daily.

We should be recognizing where our thoughts come from, we should be praying for God to intervene, and then we should be bringing a verse into our minds to give us hope. If we don't continually do this, we will not be victorious over this Goliath. Choosing to be different today doesn't mean you'll be different tomorrow. Surrendering should be a consistent event in your life.

Think about how many years it has taken for our insecurities to grow as much as they have! We need to replace our normal way of thinking with our new way of thinking. It is possible.

We just have to stick with it.

So yeah- Sometimes I stay home because I feel too ugly to leave. I wish I could say that is the old me talking, but it's still the same me today. Society is tough on us and it's so easy to forget that their demands aren't the ones that truly matter. I want to be so on fire for Christ that the only reflection I find myself worrying about is not the one I find in the mirror, but the Bible.

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© 2020 by Jonni Nicole Parsons